My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
