This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
