My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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