oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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