So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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