Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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