ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
