no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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