Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
