Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
