my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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