Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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