I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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