I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
honey bunches of taint.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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