I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
