Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
