I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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