i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
