Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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