i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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