Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
