some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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