that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
