Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
