when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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