Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
