i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i think i have two assholes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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