You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
