the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
