Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
