Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize