I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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