i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
