i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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