she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
