Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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