His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
