Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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