She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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