threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
