Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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