Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
