I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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