I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
