If that was your dad, he is hot
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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