His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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