I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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