Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Send help, water and tortillas.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
