Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
