her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
