I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
