Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
