billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
