Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize