I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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