but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How does one acquire holy water?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
