Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
