I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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