Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
