Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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