Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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