I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
