So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
