no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
