Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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