I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
